Before you ask this isn't really a story but I'm putting it here because I don't know where else to put it, so if any one would care to tell me where it really goes I will gladly put it there.
Folker:
Hailing from the world of Holscht, the boy that would one day become castellan Folker presented himself before the chaplains of the Black Templars bearing his fathers sword,declaring himself ready to face whatever trials awaited him. One of the chaplains determined that his warrior spirit was indeed strong and possessed the ruthless edge required of the Black Templars. His first mission was to safely escort his men to their base in the drake-infested mountains on Nimbosa.(drakes are large beasts 10 times the size of komodo dragons) Folker's men were being chaed by a drake and it was catching up fast until folkner himself slayed this beast with a lethal slash of his father's sword. Folkner Sword was taken by the greatest artificers and they crafted it into a weapon sheathed in a crackling energy field that could slice through the thickest armour.
Gervhart:
The leader who initiated the second purging of Lastrati, a world with dangerous inhabitants. As well as being a fearsome warrior and master tactician Gervhart was a keen student of history and learnt from Airionix, one of the greatest historians on Terra. His weapon was an all powerful shrike mace. If the inhabitants of Lastrati did not cooperate death was inevitable. In the purging of Lastrati he took only 5000 men and annihilated over 11000 lastratians. He once led a platoon of terminators in their unbreakable suits of armour into a lastratian trench and survived. He himself wore terminator armour, half of it was as black as the darkest depths of hell the other half was as light as the highest reaches of almighty heaven.
Ludoldus:
Much has been made of the true identity of Marshal Ludoldus because it is recorded that the same warrior fought in the Martian crusade and the Jeralus crusade-wars that took place at least 500 years apart. Not even Lord Dante of the blood angels is that old for he is only 111. It was easy to spot Ludoldus for he carried the blazing flame of the black templars atop his armour, and his power sword forged in magma was a magnificent sight. Also his combi-plasma flux gun served him well as he released his fiery desire to eradicate the shadows.
Sigenandus:
A fiercely vengeful warrior who's leadership knew no bounds. High marshal Sigenandus was among the most powerful and glorious warriors ever to command the black templars. In every battle he participated in, whichever foe was to be fought was doomed for he showed no mercy until every remnant of the enemy was destroyed. Armed with a thunder hammer and storm shield he could eliminate boulders with a crash. All sigenandus needed was his weapons a 2nd in command and 300 troops and the battle was won.
Yes weapons and power dosen't nessicarily make a good character. Personality Is key. If you were to meet your characters in person right now would you like them? Would they be jerks? Would they be big headed? Or would they be nice and considerate? Think about that when making them up.
Alright, instead of a real writing critique, I'm going to critique your characters.
For one, they are all completely unbalanced and all of them look like they're stock characters.
Folkner, once you cut through it all, is a boy with a neat sword.
Gervhart is a historian that kills people indiscriminately, based on geographical location. He also has some cool armor.
Ludoldus is an old guy with cool weapons.
Sigenandus is a guy that can kill anything and frequently does.
Aside from having cool equipment, why do I want to read about these people? The problem is that there is no reason. If I read your story, I'm going to be rooting for the underdog evil guys. Frankly, they're the ones that have the huge obstacles to overcome, not the "good" guys.
Even now, I'm coming up with inventive ways to kill your characters, so they aren't quite invincible. I'd rather read about some evil genius taking these four "superhero" type characters and manipulating them to destroy one another. I want to see him use inventive tactics to kill them.
Sigenandus watched in horror as Arzor the Evil One tossed a canister of nerve gas. Folkner cut it in half, spreading the lethal gas all over them.
In seconds, they were all dead.
What I'm trying to say is that I have no reason to root for your characters. What is so special about these guys, aside from their equipment? What force is capable of making them quiver? What makes them fear or doubt themselves? What is their weakness; the one thing we don't want Arzor the Evil One to find out?
How can they die? Even in cheesy japanese anime featuring warriors in gigantic robots, there was always some doubt as to whether or not they'd survive the battle.
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